It Was Time for You to Go Home.

I miss you more than anything. There’s not a day that goes by that I wish I had been there to save you. I mean, that was my duty as your best friend. I was supposed to protect you, yet I had failed. How had I failed at something so incredibly important?

Why couldn't I have allowed you to slide down a really long slide resulting in a scratch on your knee? Why couldn't I have persuaded you to sneak us an extra candy bar at snack time?

You were my best friend. You were everything a six year old could ever ask for. The fact that you were nearly four years older than me meant nothing. In fact, it made all the difference.
I was that little girl who had to get dropped off at summer camp everyday while my mom ran around town juggling two jobs and school. I was the first one there and the last one picked up.

You came to my rescue. Not only were you a big sister to your own little sister, but you were a big sister to me.
I still feel the warm Waco air against my cheek as you would push me on the swing, run over to push your sister, then race to me again. I still see your smile. I still long to play with your toys. I still hear your voice. Every memory will never fade.

For the last 13 years I've been blaming myself. I had allowed your death to negatively interfere with every part of my life. I had really made myself believe that because I wasn't there beside you on July 18th 1997, I had failed at saving you.

I thought that July 13th 1997 was the end of the world for me. Now I see that it was the day God decided to spare my life. He had more plans for me.

I didn't know that grabbing that brush from behind that mirror would be the one thing that saved my life. I remember everyone thinking that suspending me for breaking a mirror was completely irrational. Everyone joked about how short I was. It was an accident. Accidental Life Saver.

I first wanted to rip my heart out when I found out. Hundreds of kids were at that park that day, yet the tree fell on you. Why my angel? The second time I wanted to rip my heart out was watching your younger sister-only eight years old-crying her eyes out and being escorted out of the church at your funeral. I wanted to rip my heart out for the third time when I walked up and saw you inside the casket. You didn't look like the same girl I had seen just a week earlier. Your body was all wrinkled and thin. You had lost tons of weight. It was as if someone had used a tree as your own personal rolling pin. I hated the world for hurting you like that. I wanted to rip my heart out for the fifth time when everyone watched me chase after the limo with your body inside it down the street. I wanted to rip my heart out once and for all when your sister started ignoring me. The thought of having me there reminded her too much of you.

Everyday for the past 13 years I hated myself. I had been living my entire life in fear. My friendships, relationships, and trust in myself were all jeopardized. I hadn't been fair, and have hurt many people because I've been so afraid of losing anyone like I had lost you. I always told myself that It was my fault because I wasn't there. Now I see it as such a blessing.

I'd give anything to have you back here with me, but God needed you a lot more than I did. It was time for you to go home.

If I hadn't have gotten suspended that day, July 18th would have been completely different.
The three of us-The Powerpuff Girls- would have all worn matching outfits to camp that day. We would have brushed our Barbie's hair as usual. We would have handed our snacks off to the younger kids, because our stomachs would have been in knots, and we would have stood at the door of the bus begging the camp leader to allow us to sit three to a seat. The reality of it all is that I would have clung to your side like glue.

If I had been there on July 18th 1997-yes It's possible that I could have saved you-but it's even more possible that I would have died too.

R.I.P. Tenisha
1987-1997