I'm Guilty...

I'm the furthest thing from perfect. I mean THE furthest thing.

Yes, I was that girl that made all A's. I was innocent. I was the pretty girl, the cheerleader. The one who got into every college she applied to, and attained thousands in scholarship money. I was the girl who was sheltered. The girl everyone thought was perfect. Even worse, the girl everyone believes that she herself thought was perfect.
Wrong. In all honesty, people think higher of me than I think of myself. That's (the acceptance of myself) a continuous work in progress.

My father always told me that although no one was perfect, everyone should strive to be as close to it as possible.
My faults rip me apart inside. With every mistake I make, I feel further away from perfect.
Although I'm a strong believer that every mistake is something we learn from, I constantly beat myself up.
I'm my own worst enemy.
Thus, I don't need you to be an enemy for me.

I've always been the furthest thing from perfect. Yes, everything appeared perfect on the outside, but the reality is I was silently suffering inside... This all goes back to my loss at six years old. My mom didn't want to believe that something was wrong. Her greatest fear was that I was going through the very thing that she was.

Never ignore it.

As years passed by, the problem accumulated. As me and my mother grew further apart, and the problem got much worse, I became rebellious. I rebelled against everything, and everyone. I didn't trust but one person. I wanted this one person to be my liberation from everything. I was wrong in throwing my problems to that one person. I was wrong in expecting that one person to fix my problems when he had had his own. Instead of working with that person, I worked for myself. I wasn't giving back what I was expecting to receive for myself.

I always thought that I ruined everything I touched. All the while, God was just trying to speak to me, to teach me a lesson.

I'm guilty.
I'm guilty of sinning. I'm guilty of disrespecting my parents. I'm guilty of hurting friends. I'm guilty of trying to fall in love knowing that I was head over heels in love with someone else. I'm guilty of lying... to people around me, and myself. I'm guilty of cheating. I'm guilty of rebelling. I'm guilty. I'm guilty. I'm guilty.
I'm guilty of being human.

The one thing about Tiary Degrate, is that I'm not a quitter.
I take my mistakes, the pain, the losses, etc and I learn from them. I move on.
I could have decided to be done when I lost my best friend, my uncle, my grandfather.
I could have decided to be done when I had no one to turn to.
I could have decided to be done when I lied.
I could have decided to be done when the doctors told me of my disorder.
I could have decided to be done when my mother cried for nights because of it.
I could have decided to be done when I was physically hurt.
I could have decided to be done when Emory got too hard.
I could have decided to be done at any moment.


That's not me. My mistakes do not determine who I am.
I will NEVER allow them to.
What I will allow is for me to learn from them. I'll allow them to bring me closer to God. I'll allow my mistakes to teach others. I'll allow my mistakes to help me grow. They will not be used as labels to describe me, for they are not accurate descriptions of who I truly am.

I understand people will judge me. People will dislike me. People will hate me. Well hey, those people can delete me from facebook, twitter, their lives.
I've started over. No, I'm not going to stop making mistakes completely, but I will stop making the same mistakes that I have already made.

I know of my faults. It's a complete waste of breath for you to go out of your way to make sure that I know. Who are you to judge the life I live? You're human too! Before you point your fingers, make sure your own hands are clean.
I naturally have a forgiving heart. I naturally don't judge. I naturally accept others as they come. I can't, however, expect everyone else to be the same way.

I'm 19 and I'm guilty of being human. In the midst of everything that's going on, I'm finding myself.
That's what it's all about.

I live. I learn. I grow.