I can't marry you. I want to be faithful, but It's like I'm Tiger Woods or something.

Brace yourself, you're in for a laugh.

Faithless Hope

I'm sitting here with faithless hope.
Endless roads, yet no place to go.
A heart filled with love, still no love to show.

My open arms ask you to come in,
But you walk away time and time again.
I can't even lie, I won't pretend-
My love for you just won't end.

Every day I move further along.
Still I come back; I refuse to carry on.

Everyone guides me in another direction when I know what to do,
I've decided that my life isn't worth living If I can't live it with you.

What do you do when letting go is a must?
When it seems you can't attain a mustard seed of faith or a teeny bit of trust?

The pieces to the puzzle lie in your hand,
But you won't put them together; you're afraid to understand.

Hidden sun, 200 mph winds.
We float amongst them aimlessly.
It seems as if this will never end.

Your words to me, never a scoff.
But I envy the timing for its terribly off!

What do you mean?
We can't be together?
Don't walk out when I need you most,
Amidst this stormy weather!

I don't see what someone else can have that I don't.
They'll break you slowly, but I--I won't.

I dread my thoughts, but here comes fission.
My heart fights with my mind on this one decision.

What's the Meaning of Valentine's Day?

What's the meaning of Valentines Day?

Every year it seems to be more and more about having a valentine, a date, gifts, a nice dinner, blah blah blah.

Personally, I've spent my Valentines Days with family; the real people I can count on loving me.
Every morning we'd wake up to new things Daddy put on our bed.
There was always roses and chocolate, but every year the actual gift changed.
One year I remember getting a diamond necklace, the next a huge stuffed animal.
Then daddy would take us all out to eat!
You get the point.

Every year, I could always count on my family being there to show me love on this holiday.
I've never been able to count on relationships.

Whatever the case, a lot of people are dreading the big day tomorrow.
Why?
Because maybe you've been hoping for the wrong things.

Most people have been hoping for dates, relationships, love, and eternal happiness.

Would you not be dissappointed if you just allowed Valentines Day to be about friends or family?

Why must it be about love or relationships?
We're young.

I promise you that the Valentines Day that you're hoping for, will come in due time.


Until then, make Valentines Day another opportunity to show your appreciation for those you know you can really rely on.

Remember this quote: "If you hope and pray for the *will of God* to be done, you will never be disappointed."

Apply that to Valentine's Day. You'll be surprised.

Peace. Love. & Happy Valentine's Day
XOXO
-Tiary

I'm Guilty...

I'm the furthest thing from perfect. I mean THE furthest thing.

Yes, I was that girl that made all A's. I was innocent. I was the pretty girl, the cheerleader. The one who got into every college she applied to, and attained thousands in scholarship money. I was the girl who was sheltered. The girl everyone thought was perfect. Even worse, the girl everyone believes that she herself thought was perfect.
Wrong. In all honesty, people think higher of me than I think of myself. That's (the acceptance of myself) a continuous work in progress.

My father always told me that although no one was perfect, everyone should strive to be as close to it as possible.
My faults rip me apart inside. With every mistake I make, I feel further away from perfect.
Although I'm a strong believer that every mistake is something we learn from, I constantly beat myself up.
I'm my own worst enemy.
Thus, I don't need you to be an enemy for me.

I've always been the furthest thing from perfect. Yes, everything appeared perfect on the outside, but the reality is I was silently suffering inside... This all goes back to my loss at six years old. My mom didn't want to believe that something was wrong. Her greatest fear was that I was going through the very thing that she was.

Never ignore it.

As years passed by, the problem accumulated. As me and my mother grew further apart, and the problem got much worse, I became rebellious. I rebelled against everything, and everyone. I didn't trust but one person. I wanted this one person to be my liberation from everything. I was wrong in throwing my problems to that one person. I was wrong in expecting that one person to fix my problems when he had had his own. Instead of working with that person, I worked for myself. I wasn't giving back what I was expecting to receive for myself.

I always thought that I ruined everything I touched. All the while, God was just trying to speak to me, to teach me a lesson.

I'm guilty.
I'm guilty of sinning. I'm guilty of disrespecting my parents. I'm guilty of hurting friends. I'm guilty of trying to fall in love knowing that I was head over heels in love with someone else. I'm guilty of lying... to people around me, and myself. I'm guilty of cheating. I'm guilty of rebelling. I'm guilty. I'm guilty. I'm guilty.
I'm guilty of being human.

The one thing about Tiary Degrate, is that I'm not a quitter.
I take my mistakes, the pain, the losses, etc and I learn from them. I move on.
I could have decided to be done when I lost my best friend, my uncle, my grandfather.
I could have decided to be done when I had no one to turn to.
I could have decided to be done when I lied.
I could have decided to be done when the doctors told me of my disorder.
I could have decided to be done when my mother cried for nights because of it.
I could have decided to be done when I was physically hurt.
I could have decided to be done when Emory got too hard.
I could have decided to be done at any moment.


That's not me. My mistakes do not determine who I am.
I will NEVER allow them to.
What I will allow is for me to learn from them. I'll allow them to bring me closer to God. I'll allow my mistakes to teach others. I'll allow my mistakes to help me grow. They will not be used as labels to describe me, for they are not accurate descriptions of who I truly am.

I understand people will judge me. People will dislike me. People will hate me. Well hey, those people can delete me from facebook, twitter, their lives.
I've started over. No, I'm not going to stop making mistakes completely, but I will stop making the same mistakes that I have already made.

I know of my faults. It's a complete waste of breath for you to go out of your way to make sure that I know. Who are you to judge the life I live? You're human too! Before you point your fingers, make sure your own hands are clean.
I naturally have a forgiving heart. I naturally don't judge. I naturally accept others as they come. I can't, however, expect everyone else to be the same way.

I'm 19 and I'm guilty of being human. In the midst of everything that's going on, I'm finding myself.
That's what it's all about.

I live. I learn. I grow.

It Was Time for You to Go Home.

I miss you more than anything. There’s not a day that goes by that I wish I had been there to save you. I mean, that was my duty as your best friend. I was supposed to protect you, yet I had failed. How had I failed at something so incredibly important?

Why couldn't I have allowed you to slide down a really long slide resulting in a scratch on your knee? Why couldn't I have persuaded you to sneak us an extra candy bar at snack time?

You were my best friend. You were everything a six year old could ever ask for. The fact that you were nearly four years older than me meant nothing. In fact, it made all the difference.
I was that little girl who had to get dropped off at summer camp everyday while my mom ran around town juggling two jobs and school. I was the first one there and the last one picked up.

You came to my rescue. Not only were you a big sister to your own little sister, but you were a big sister to me.
I still feel the warm Waco air against my cheek as you would push me on the swing, run over to push your sister, then race to me again. I still see your smile. I still long to play with your toys. I still hear your voice. Every memory will never fade.

For the last 13 years I've been blaming myself. I had allowed your death to negatively interfere with every part of my life. I had really made myself believe that because I wasn't there beside you on July 18th 1997, I had failed at saving you.

I thought that July 13th 1997 was the end of the world for me. Now I see that it was the day God decided to spare my life. He had more plans for me.

I didn't know that grabbing that brush from behind that mirror would be the one thing that saved my life. I remember everyone thinking that suspending me for breaking a mirror was completely irrational. Everyone joked about how short I was. It was an accident. Accidental Life Saver.

I first wanted to rip my heart out when I found out. Hundreds of kids were at that park that day, yet the tree fell on you. Why my angel? The second time I wanted to rip my heart out was watching your younger sister-only eight years old-crying her eyes out and being escorted out of the church at your funeral. I wanted to rip my heart out for the third time when I walked up and saw you inside the casket. You didn't look like the same girl I had seen just a week earlier. Your body was all wrinkled and thin. You had lost tons of weight. It was as if someone had used a tree as your own personal rolling pin. I hated the world for hurting you like that. I wanted to rip my heart out for the fifth time when everyone watched me chase after the limo with your body inside it down the street. I wanted to rip my heart out once and for all when your sister started ignoring me. The thought of having me there reminded her too much of you.

Everyday for the past 13 years I hated myself. I had been living my entire life in fear. My friendships, relationships, and trust in myself were all jeopardized. I hadn't been fair, and have hurt many people because I've been so afraid of losing anyone like I had lost you. I always told myself that It was my fault because I wasn't there. Now I see it as such a blessing.

I'd give anything to have you back here with me, but God needed you a lot more than I did. It was time for you to go home.

If I hadn't have gotten suspended that day, July 18th would have been completely different.
The three of us-The Powerpuff Girls- would have all worn matching outfits to camp that day. We would have brushed our Barbie's hair as usual. We would have handed our snacks off to the younger kids, because our stomachs would have been in knots, and we would have stood at the door of the bus begging the camp leader to allow us to sit three to a seat. The reality of it all is that I would have clung to your side like glue.

If I had been there on July 18th 1997-yes It's possible that I could have saved you-but it's even more possible that I would have died too.

R.I.P. Tenisha
1987-1997

Mistakes

Making a mistake might seem like the end of the world, but when you realize the value of that mistake and why you made it, it seems like it's only the beginning.☼

If I had a choice to take back any mistake, I wouldn't.
Why?
Because I wouldn't be where I am today.

A mistake is like a seed.
You plant it, and then you water it with tears.
When that seed grows, it's a beautiful flower of knowledge.


Be patient. Let your seeds bloom.

-xoxo,
Extraordin-ary :)

Reality.

You know what hurts?
That feeling that hits you when reality sets in.

That feeling that crushes your hopes and dreams-
The one that tells you everything isn't how you want it to be.
Not even how it could be.

But getting things to that point always so impossible.

My parents always told me that I constantly try to live a fairy-tale.
I do.

I never see it as a problem-
Well until reality sets in again.

The humor of it all is that I keep running back every time.
There's always that hope that this might finally be it.